"Life had always been sad for me even as a child. We all suffered at the hands of an abusive father. There was very little to smile about and I would retreat into a world of silence. I used school as an escape and was a high achiever. I did not make friends but I was happy enough in my work as a student. I learned to isolate early as I buried my head in books.

I went on to University where I still found it difficult to socialise and make friends. I had no idea what I was going to do after my degree. My life did not really take on any meaning until I met my husband. I also started teaching high school the same year I met him. Life seemed to be taking a turn for the better. I had two vocations: my marriage and my career.

I loved my job and felt like I belonged to a community. With my teaching and my marriage I had two stable things in my life but I still could not shake a feeling of sadness. My husband noticed and encouraged me at all times.

Unfortunately, he died at the age of 30. I came home from school one day to find him dead of a heart attack. Driving in the ambulance I knew there was no hope. I was in a daze. I think that was when my head and my heart just broke. I just seemed to have lost something that kept me together.

I threw myself into my teaching. It became my whole focus. Life was black and terribly sad but I kept on going. I even moved inter state: in fact I moved 15 times in 10 years. I knew I was getting worse when I resigned from teaching after bursting into tears in a classroom. I ended up in a foetal position at home.

A priest suggested that I see a Doctor and so my deep depression was first diagnosed and I was treated with drugs. I was put on a calmative and anti-depressants. I had massive mood swings to deal with and I ended up in bed for 3 months. I thought that nothing worse could happen. I had not heard of GROW and managed with the support of family to go back to teaching.

I managed to appear confident and in control for some time. I put the death of my husband behind me and devoted myself once again to teaching. The thing is that I felt like I was walking in a dream and I did that until I ended up in the psychiatric ward after trying to cut both wrists. I was consequently diagnosed as depressed and schizophrenic.

My mother had done her very best to keep me confident and focused but came the day when I lost total control and tried to kill myself many times. I lost my entire reality. The last thread: my career was gone. I had nowhere to turn: not even God. I was in the psych ward 11 times before I decided that enough was enough. I had no plan for the future but I felt deeply ashamed at hurting myself and my family.

Somehow in my heavily drugged state I remember two (2) people coming from GROW to present a talk. They spoke about the group and how it could help. I held on to their pamphlet and one Thursday night in the rain and with 2 bandaged wrists I drove to my first GROW meeting. My first impression was that they all seemed so happy .........

Laughing and talking like old friends. I must have looked shocked because they asked "Do we look that bad?" I sat down scared but curious .....

The GROW group first gave me a piece of program that stated "I am maladjusted and inadequate to life". I was indignant. I had been in control......marriage, a career.....a life. It took me a whole year to understand this basic GROW statement. I realized that I had not been adequate or coping: that I had a lot of maladjustment. Strangely those basic admissions were quite freeing for me. I could let go of the past and move forward with GROW's help.

I now had a "Blue Book" (Program of Growth to Maturity) filled with program that spelt out clear directions on life skills. I started to realize that I could get better and that there was light at the end of the tunnel. Indeed I was more "durable than vulnerable". I learned about personal value "....That no matter how bad my physical, mental, social or spiritual condition I am always a human person loved by God and a connecting link between persons....."

GROW became a focal point in my life. Each week I attend a meeting whether I feel like it or not. Why? Because there are people there who care: who understand and because they have walked their own hard paths to being adjusted. It's like a big family where everyone knows your name and I felt accepted as I am.

Now I have a guide to life. With GROW's 12 step program to maturity I now have 4 stabilizing questions: Be definite..... Be Rational..... Be Wise..... Be practical. That is, whenever I am emotionally upset I ask myself: What exactly am I troubled about? Is it certain, probable or only possible? How important is it? And What shall I do about it?

The GROW Blue Book of program gives me a guide and prompts questions at he same time. It's been 5 years since my breakdown and it's been 5 years since I've been in GROW. That says something. It says that GROW is a vital, living participation function in my life.

It's been an exciting journey. Now I have attended 5 years I can see my own growth. I no longer come to the group in tears or become a nervous wreck when asked to do something for GROW such as a presentation of my personal testimony to a group of professionals. I have been a Recorder for the group which is like a toll taker at the end of each meeting and I have been an Organiser where I facilitated the group each week for 2 yeas. I have met new friends and they are only a phone call away. The support I get from GROW is tangible. From GROW I have the know-how for avoiding and recovering from a breakdown, and the Program is presented in the language and the level of the ordinary person.

GROW is a "School of Adult Mental Health Education working through mutual self-help groups" for people like me. I suffered a mental decline but now thanks to GROW I have been rehabilitated and I have recovered. I am now at a different and exciting stage of life.

I am more confident, stronger and able to take life risks. I am able to deal with problems as they arise. I am able to communicate with others and my family. I am involved with GROW and living life to the fullest. The reality of the GROW program has saved me from getting really sick again. I have".....firmly resolved to get well and co-operate with the help I need". I am developing more fully as a person ad I am now living ".....one day at a time". I am learning to think more by reason rather than by feelings and imagination."

GROW is a mental health support network. It is filled with generous supportive people who help those who aren't coping with life. I am grateful for what GROW has done for me. I can now lead an ordinary good life and the ".....best in life, love and happiness...." is ahead of me."

Elaina